Coping with Grief and Loss: A Counsellor’s Perspective—And A Personal One

Kelly Rowe
Sep 26
6 min read

As a counsellor, I’ve walked alongside many people through their darkest moments—navigating heartbreak, trauma, and the deep, disorienting ache of loss. But in 2023, grief stopped being just something I helped others with. It became deeply personal.

That year, I lost my father. It was sudden. Shocking. One moment, he was here—and the next, everything changed. Nothing prepares you for that kind of rupture. Not even years of training, therapeutic tools, or professional experience. Grief came in like a wave, knocking the wind out of me.

So I write this now not just as a counsellor, but as someone who knows what it’s like to be on the other side of the loss.

There’s No One Way for Coping with Grief and Loss

Many people assume that grief is something you get through and move on from but its more than just moving past it.

In the weeks and months after my dad died, I couldn’t predict what each day would bring. Sometimes I was functional. Other times I was angry, fragile, quiet. It felt chaotic at times. And other times I felt nothing at all – which was possibly the scariest feeling.

“The stages of grief are not linear and are not a map, but they provide some scaffolding in this unknown world.”— Elisabeth Kübler-Ross Foundation

What I’ve learned—through my own grief and through supporting others—is that we each grieve in our own way. What matters isn’t the shape of the grief, but that we give ourselves permission to feel it.

A view through the window from a high rise tower on a rainy day — Allowing ourselves to feel grief is powerful.

Naming the Loss Matters

Working through the feelings of grief was important for me; however, I felt like I needed to go deeper than that. What became a turning point was really naming what this loss meant for me.

In my situation, the loss of a parent was not just the loss of a person. It was the loss of childhood memories, of history and identity. It was also the loss of the potential for a better connection in the future. My father and I had experienced some ups and downs in our relationship. His passing opened a lot of old wounds and left many questions unanswered — and part of my healing has been accepting that I will never get those answers or opportunities now.

Naming that loss in therapy — acknowledging what I was missing and what it changed in me — became a crucial part of healing.

"What we name, we can begin to heal." — Brené Brown

Common Experiences in Grief

In my own grieving, and in the stories my clients bring into the room, I’ve seen how grief carries a full range of emotions:

Deep sadness and aching emptiness
Guilt about things said—or left unsaid
Numbness, where you expect to feel more
Unexpected moments of peace or even relief (inevitably followed by guilt)

None of these feelings are wrong. They’re all part of the grieving mind trying to make sense of something life-altering.

What Can Help—From a Counsellor

Everyone’s grief is unique, and each person finds their own way forward. Here are some things that supported me, offered in case they might also bring you comfort.

Speak About It

Talking helped. I would go for morning walks with a friend, and those soft chats at the start of the day made such a difference. Just being able to get my feelings out, without pressure to “fix” anything, helped ease the heaviness a little. Sometimes sharing how you feel is what makes it feel lighter.

Remember in Your Own Way

I talk to a picture of my Dad sometimes, when I miss him most. And he was an architect, so I’ve kept some of his drawings with his handwriting on them. These small, personal ways of remembering him bring comfort and keep him close in a way that feels good to me.

Allow Silence and Solitude

It’s okay not to want to talk. I had moments where I didn’t want to be around people at all — so I gave myself permission not to be. Over time, I found the right moment to come back out from the safety of solitude. Listening to what I needed, whether that was connection or quiet, was an important part of healing.

Be Gentle With Yourself

At first, I felt like I should be moving on quickly, almost as if my grief was taking too long or might be annoying others. But the truth is, grief doesn’t work to anyone else’s timeline. Some days, all I could manage was to drink some water, take a short walk, or reply to a message. That was enough. That was healing, in its own way.

When Grief Becomes More Challenging

Grief is deeply personal and there’s no set timeline, but sometimes it can feel overwhelming, persistent, or interfere with daily life. Signs it might be helpful to seek extra support include:

Feeling stuck in intense sadness or anger for months without relief
Avoiding life completely or isolating yourself for prolonged periods
Struggling with sleep, appetite, or concentration in ways that affect work or relationships
Feeling hopeless, numb, or unable to enjoy anything at all
Experiencing thoughts of harming yourself or others

If you notice these patterns, reaching out to a therapist, GP, or bereavement support service (services listed at the bottom of this article) can make a significant difference. Grief support isn’t about “moving on” quickly — it’s about finding tools and care to help you navigate the journey safely.

How Grief Changed Me

Grief has altered the way I work as a counsellor. It has deepened my empathy, softened my pace, and made me more aware of what a privilege it is to sit with someone in their pain. I no longer feel like a professional looking in—I feel like someone who understands the terrain from the inside.

“You do not move on from grief. You move forward with it.”— Nora McInerny

It’s true. My life didn’t end when I lost my father. But it changed. And every step forward carries his memory with it.

Final Thoughts

If you’re grieving—whether your loss was recent or long ago—I hope you know this: there’s no right way to do this. And you don’t have to do it alone.

As a counsellor and as someone who has walked this painful path, I want you to know that it’s okay to feel broken. It’s okay to not know what healing looks like yet. You’re not weak—you’re grieving. And that’s the most human thing there is.

Resources and Further Reading

Here are some books, videos and organisations that could be useful:

Books on Grief

Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving by Julia Samuel

As a UK-based psychotherapist, Julia Samuel offers profound insights into grief through real-life stories. Her compassionate approach helps readers understand the complexities of loss and the healing process.

A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis

This classic British memoir delves into the author's personal grief following the death of his wife. It's a poignant exploration of faith, love, and the pain of loss.

The Madness of Grief by Rev. Richard Coles

A candid account from the former Strictly Come Dancing star and Church of England priest, this memoir reflects on his journey through grief after the death of his partner.

Sad Bookv by Michael Rosen

Written by the former Children's Laureate, this illustrated book addresses the deep sorrow of losing a loved one, making it accessible for both adults and young readers.

You Are Not Alone: A New Way to Grieve by Cariad Lloyd

A UK-based comedian and grief advocate, Cariad Lloyd offers a fresh perspective on grief, blending humour and vulnerability to help others navigate their own journeys. She also hosts a podcast exploring the same topic called Griefcast.

Mrs Death Misses Death by Salena Godden

This novel personifies Death as a Black woman, providing a unique and thought-provoking narrative on mortality and the human experience.

Notes on Grief by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Though Nigerian-born, Adichie's reflections on the loss of her father resonate universally, offering a poignant exploration of grief and its impact.

Talks on Grief

The Paradox of Grief by Julia Samuel (TEDxBath)

In this talk, Julia Samuel discusses the complexities of grief, emphasizing the importance of acknowledging and understanding our emotions. YouTube

How Grief Feels by Robbie Stamp (TEDxLondon)

Robbie Stamp shares his personal experience with grief, offering insights into how it changes our perception of the world and how we can support those who are grieving. YouTube

The Adventure of Grief by Dr. Geoff Warburton (TEDxBrighton)

Psychologist Dr. Geoff Warburton explores the journey of grief, challenging conventional perceptions and discussing its transformative potential. YouTube