Understanding Our Parents in Therapy: How Exploring Our Roots Helps Us Understand Ourselves

Many people come to counselling wanting to understand why they feel, react, or relate the way they do. One gentle part of the work is exploring our parents or caregivers — not to blame them, but to understand the emotional patterns we’ve carried forward.

This isn’t about analysing family trees or judging anyone’s behaviour. It’s about noticing the parts of us that were shaped by the people who raised us, and deciding what we want to keep, soften, or change. Often, this exploration helps us meet ourselves with more compassion.

The ways we were held shape the ways we learn to hold ourselves.

Why We Explore Parents in Therapy (Even When It Feels Uncomfortable)

Our earliest relationships form the blueprint for how we understand ourselves and others. Whether our parents were loving, inconsistent, absent, or somewhere in between, their ways of coping and connecting often echo inside us. In therapy, we gently trace these echoes — not to judge the past, but to understand the present.

Recent research shows that emotional patterns and coping styles can be passed down through generations — not just through behaviour, but through the emotional climate of a family. A 2021 review found that both vulnerability and resilience can be transmitted across generations through relational patterns and stress responses¹. This kind of research can offer helpful context, but the heart of the work is always your lived experience.

Seeing Ourselves in Our Parents: Beyond the Physical Similarities

Most of us can point to a physical trait we share with a parent. But emotional and behavioural similarities can feel more complicated. You might notice:

• A tone of voice you promised yourself you’d never use

• A tendency to shut down during conflict

• A habit of over‑functioning or people‑pleasing

• A quickness to worry, fix, or take responsibility

A 2022 study found that parental emotional patterns can strongly influence how young people manage stress and mental health, especially when family resilience is low².

In therapy, noticing these similarities isn’t about blame — it’s about understanding where they came from and what you want to do with them now.

Understanding Our Parents in Therapy: What Happens When We Don’t Like What We See?

It can be unsettling to recognise traits in ourselves that we struggled with in a parent. Maybe you see their impatience in your own reactions, or their avoidance in your relationships. This moment can feel tender — and it’s often where meaningful change begins.

Many counselling approaches — including those that explore “parts” of the self — help us understand these moments with more compassion. You don’t need to be trained in a specific modality to explore this; it’s simply a way of noticing the different internal voices, reactions, or protective strategies we’ve developed over time.

Together, we might explore:

• Where did this pattern or part learn its role? Often it began as a way to stay safe, accepted, or connected.

• What was it trying to protect you from? Even difficult behaviours usually started with a protective intention.

• Can we meet this part with curiosity rather than shame? Understanding softens self‑criticism and opens the door to change.

This process helps us move from “I’m becoming my parent and I hate it” to “I understand why this part exists — and I have choices now.”

When a Parent Was Absent: Exploring the Impact of What Wasn’t There

Exploring parental influence isn’t only for those who grew up with both parents present. Absence — whether physical, emotional, or both — creates its own patterns.

You might notice:

• A part of you that works hard to be self‑sufficient

• A fear of depending on others

• A longing for connection that feels risky

• A belief that you must earn love or attention

Research on intergenerational mental health transmission shows that gaps, losses, and emotional inconsistencies can shape how young people develop coping strategies and resilience³.

In therapy, we explore not just what happened, but what didn’t — and how you learned to navigate those spaces.

Can We Accept These Parts of Ourselves?

Acceptance doesn’t mean approving of everything we’ve inherited. It means understanding the context, softening the shame, and choosing what we want to carry forward.

Therapy helps you:

• Differentiate between what is truly yours and what was learned

• Update old patterns that no longer serve you

• Integrate parts of yourself that have been pushed away

• Reclaim qualities you may have lost while trying not to be like a parent

A 2020 study on intergenerational parenting patterns found that when people understand the origins of their emotional responses, they are more able to change them and develop healthier coping strategies⁴.

Acceptance becomes possible when we see our patterns with clarity and compassion — not as flaws, but as adaptations.

Moving Forward: You Are Not Defined by Your Parents

Exploring your parents in therapy isn’t about assigning blame. It’s about reclaiming choice. You can honour the parts of you that came from them, heal the parts that were wounded, and grow the parts that want something different.

You are shaped by your past, but not bound by it.

And you don’t have to explore any of this alone — therapy offers a space where these patterns can be met with curiosity, kindness, and room to breathe.

References

1. MacBeth, A. et al. (2021). Intergenerational transmission of mental health. Nature.

2. Masten, A. (2022). Resilience and development in families. Development & Psychopathology.

3. Bowers, M. et al. (2022). Linking mechanisms in the intergenerational transmission of mental health. MDPI.

4. Neppl, T. et al. (2020). Intergenerational continuity in parenting behaviour. Journal of Family Psychology.